once upon a fall

There is something about seasons that just fascinate me. Evolving, they are constantly in motion in accordance with the way the earth sits in relationship to the sun, consequently, affecting weather, daylight, and all processes in which we as humans survive and thrive.

Winter, a time where days are short, weather is cold, and most of life is bitter and uncomfortable. It is a time for plants to die, animals to hibernate and birds to migrate. Creation hides. We resist it, avoid it. I want to cuss thinking about it. I hate the cold. I’m cold right now as I type this, and I’m highly irritated about it. Then, there is spring, often symbolic of rebirth, rejuvenation, renewal, resurrection and regrowth. The rain comes, then the sun and heat follow. Creation awakens, flourishes, thrives. Following spring, is summer, sweet summertime. A season that beckons for vacation, activity and celebration. Though hott, summer is favored for liberty, freedom and long days of livelihood. Creation dances. Summer, my favorite. And fall, the freaking fall. Fall is marked by the shedding of leaves from trees as they pave the way to growth. Creation falls. I think there is something melancholic about the fall, maybe its the end of a vacation or the anticipation of bitter cold weather, but it just doesn’t have the same thrill as the other seasons.

I’m a bit dramatic, sentimental and highly feeler-esque, but as the seasons shift, call me crazy, so does the state of my soul. So, if fall marks the shedding of leaves from trees paving a way for growth, you can imagine the same shedding of my soul. Good grief. Every year, I just find the season of fall inevitably not very pleasant at all. Most people anticipate the season of fall for relief from hot weather. I, do not. The summer lends itself to a completely elevated, intoxicated and dancing in confident bliss state of existence (reference my last post), then somewhere right around September 1st, my world begins to fall apart, slapping my fairy tale summer right across the face.

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[fairytale summer to fall]

This year it came swinging a day earlier than expected, just when I thought my incandescent perspective might keep me this year from really ‘fall’ing. Smitten as a kitten in the most irresponsibly vulnerable financial state, unemployed and unphased, I was on the road with foot heavy to meet the man of my affections’ family and hometown. And there, in small town east Texas a state trooper found it fitting to write me four traffic violations in one slam. That was it, the marker of the fall. Here it comes. I only thought I was living the life I never imagined. I sure never imagined what the following days and weeks had in store, but a reality check and wake up call was long over due. Flat tires, dead car batteries, flooded rooms, unmet expectations, dying of dreams, a leaky and squeaky shower, prolonged unemployment, rejection, opposition in relationships and shot car breaks mark a few of the unfortunate circumstances accompanied by the poor man’s diet of summer camp leftover oatmeal, peanut butter and honey. Not so incandescently wonderful anymore, eh? Just a hott mess. Enough to make me aware of my ungodly dependencies and entitlements. Enough to rock my identity, worth, and enough to heighten my self-centeredness resulting in fall after fall after fall. Stupid sin. Every fall, there is an exposing of my darkness and depravity like never before. The shedding of the soul, alright.

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[confess: repent: be reconciled] [flat tires] [dead batteries]

Something else that never ceases to amaze me about the fall, is what I learn about who God is, and how He loves- faithfully, relentlessly and lavishly. He meets my falling with mercy brand new, grace abounding and generosity beyond my comprehension. In this wrecked world, in the falling apart and shedding of my soul, I recognize a good God. A very good God. Whether it be a unexpected financial crisis, a soft spot in identity or the recognition of my depravity, He meets me, and His faithfulness is unparalleled.

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[sunnies, monies, thursday nights, receptionist heights]

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[beauty, brilliance, babes, birthdays]

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[mighty men, faithful friend, soul city style, smirk of smile]

So I in my ‘fall’ing, I ask my good and faithful Abba, “Why, Lord, why do you let me fall?”

His tenderness responds, “Dear one, I see you. I know you. I want you. I see you blameless. I know you fully. I want you wholly. This falling, this shedding of your soul, brings you to me. I am about you becoming mine- perfected, completed, restored and redeemed. I have rescued you, darling, and I am making all these things beautiful. Let me show you my faithfulness, my love for you, and my mighty power to bring you to glory where I have prepared a place specifically and significantly for you to be with me… forever.”

What I learn every fall, each year, a little bit more poignantly and simultaneously joyfilled, is how our good God is about sanctification. Surely, He doesn’t delight in my falling, but confidently, He delights in His rescuing of my once so shabby soul, in the dependence I encounter in the fall. I get to see Him when I fall, because I realize that I am not enough. I realize that I need help. As burdened, and broken and despairing as I am in the fall, He is at rest, unphased and smiling, He knows the outcome, it’s beautiful. He promises it. All things beautiful in His time.

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